When I set out to write this story, I was thinking about Rapunzel and I was thinking about how she has two mothers and we never really get their side of the story. So I handed them the pen. So here is “A Mothers’ Lament,” which takes place in Ladouleur (readers of Exquisite Entries will recognize this place) before colonization!
Imani
Everything was always glowing. Or well everybody told her that everything about her was glowing. She mainly felt like she was being boiled alive from the inside out. It didn’t help that there was a parasite taking up space in her stomach, kicking her in the ribs, sitting on her bladder. She was supposed to be having the “time of her life” and realize that she is “nurturing a new generation” and understand that “so many women would love to be in her place.” The truth was she kind of really did not care.
It was supposed to be a great honor to be pregnant. In her country it was difficult for women to conceive, and even rarer to be able to have a safe birth. Pregnant women were protected and honored to the highest degree, but all Imani could think about was how she couldn’t be a child anymore. The thought of losing her youth scared her. It made her soul spike with an acute loneliness that she had never experienced before.
Each passing day her stomach grew rounder, and each passing day Imani felt more and more like a stranger in her own body. There were movements she couldn’t understand and feelings she couldn’t control. It all made her want to cry, which she did. A lot. She cried so much her midwives had to keep water near her so that she would not be dehydrated. She cried for herself. She cried for what she knew that she had to do.
It didn’t really come as much of a surprise when she found a way out of being a mother. It also shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise that her village shunned her for it.
Her cravings had taken her deep within the woods, away from her midwives and doulas and any other prying eyes. She was searching for something to eat. The child inside her stomach was rejecting even the gentlest of soups and the sweetest of fruits. So, she followed her nose behind her house and down the path she had seen her husband take before her situation drove them apart.
The path was winding. It was long and littered with rocks and branches and dead flowers. At some point in the forest, the life turned to decay. The once green forest turned first yellow, then a weathered dirty brown. The smells changed from flowery to mildewy and the once brightly chirping birds had gone silent. In fact, everything in the forest had fallen silent. It was a heavy silence, an oppressive quiet that threatened to push her out of the forest, back up the path, and into the arms of her waiting midwives. She went deeper. She was searching for something, and she felt a pressing need to find it like she wouldn’t live if she didn’t.
She stumbled into a circular clearing in the woods. There was a house directly in the center of that clearing. What was strange was the area around the house. There were dead plants, animals, and grass filling the entire clearing, except in a ten-foot perimeter around the house. There, there was nothing but vibrant green. Plants flourished and Imani could hear a bird song in the air. As she drew closer, she recognized a particular plant. Her womb lept forward at the sight. Fresh rapunzel leaves were tilted towards her, waving in the gentle wind. She knew that this is what she had come for, this is what she needed.
She drew herself closer to the plant, gliding effortlessly through the dead patches and into the life. She reached for the plants when her hand was grabbed by something, no someone.
“What are you doing in my garden?”
Imani stumbled so far back she nearly fell. In front of her was a staggeringly tall woman. He dark skin glistened in the sun and her wrinkles showed proof of the wisdom that was sitting behind her dark onyx eyes. Those same eyes were studying Imani closely. She could feel her gaze travel from the top of her head and land on her stomach. They stilled there for what felt like an entirety. The pressure of her gaze was suffocating. Yet there was something significant in her eyes. Something important. Her gaze moved from Imani’s stomach and back to her face.
“You must be starving. Let me help you out please, come inside my dear.” Imani could only nod. She gathered herself and followed the older woman, noticing how she brought some of the rapunzel leaves with her.
When Imani returned home from the forest, she was free from her affliction. She had made a new deal for a new life. And she was happy.
Victoria
She had been alone for a very long time. So long in fact that she could not actively imagine the presence of another human. She had killed her mother in the process of birth. Her father had left her alone in their shack. She had no one to raise her except the midwife who had guided her out of the canal. The people of her village labeled her a witch. They said that when she had been born the rest of the town’s wombs were cursed. The spirit of her mother kept them from conceiving. She and her midwife were banished, separated from their people, and forced to survive in the woods.
And still, Victoria wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Her midwife died when she was a teen, and she took to caring for the wildlife that grew around her small home. They were all that she had and so she made do.
Sometime Victoria would visit the town. She was careful to not be noticed, she couldn’t handle to looks of disdain she knew would be thrown her way. She would watch with envy as baby girls were born into homes that desired them, that would cherish them. She watched and she coveted. And she planned.
When she had been left by herself, she learned to communicate with the earth around her. She learned that if she gave, she would then receive in return. When she asked for protection, from her old village or from her lost father maybe even from her mother’s cursed spirit, the earth provided. It closed off her area of the woods, created a warning sign out of death and decay, and provided enough just enough space for Victoria to thrive.
One day she asked the land that had raised her to bring her a child. One that would love her and stay with her. A baby girl that could absolve her of her own sin of matricide. A baby boy that could take away her abandonment at the hands of her own father. In return, she would continue to honor the land. She would make sure no harm would come to it, and she would look after the baby, and hold on so tight that even death herself would not be able to loosen her grip.
Imani
When a child is lost everyone wants to give their condolences. They want the pleasure of your grief without the pain of your situation. They ask how they can help when they know that there is nothing to be done. They keep you around so you can serve as a reminder of what they have. You are their worst-case scenario.
When a child is given away, they shun you. Their anger-filled eyes follow you everywhere you go. They could not imagine why anyone would want to get rid of a gift from the land. A gift that would and could only bring someone prosperity. And yet still Imani was happy. She did not internalize her villages glares. She knew only her own youth. That was enough.
Victoria
Imani didn’t know that she was going to have a daughter. She didn’t know that the little girl would have curls as wispy as she did or smell like the sweetest baby’s breath she grew in the back of her garden. She also did not expect her eyes to be green. As green as the leaves of the rapunzel plant in the garden. Her skin was as dark as the soft earth needed to plant the vegetable. Victoria got to know all of this.
“That will be your name my dear. My beautiful Rapunzel, gifted to me by Ladouleur itself.”
She cradled the baby closer to her nose. She breathed in her sweet scent and vowed to never let go. She would protect her. She had to protect her. There was no other option.
Victoria was manic in her attempts at protection. She kept Rapunzel in the house. She taught her to garden through the window. She taught her the types of plants by touch. At night she kept Rapunzel tight to her breast, her hands like steel against her little body. In the day she taught her to use her nose and ears to be on the lookout for danger.
Nothing would ever harm Victoria’s child. She would ensure it., even if it meant she would need to lock her away.
This was not the life a growing girl was destined to keep to for long.
Imani
Imani grew older. Even as she tried to cling to the youth, it slipped right through her nimble fingers. She watched as her village grew too. Families were formed. Young women were adored and cared for, and young men were championed. A familiar feeling also began to grow deep within Imani. It was chilling.
Victoria
Rapunzel grew older. Victoria knew this could not be helped, but Rapunzel was slipping right through her calloused fingers. As Rapunzel grew, so did her hair. And her lust for adventure. She did not want to be disobedient, but it is in a child’s nature to chafe against the hold of their parents. And Rapunzel rubbed herself raw.
Victoria did what she could to sate Rapunzel’s desire to learn and explore. She read her books of adventures every night. She taught her the violent history of their land. She explained the story of each of the plants in their little haven. Yet nothing would keep Rapunzel’s attention for long. Her eyes churned with a desire for adventure. Victoria wanted nothing more than to let her explore but she also did not want to let her go. She could not stomach the thought of losing her only daughter, the only person in the world who understood her. The only person in the world who loved her.
Imani
The isolation had begun to get to Imani. She could not last long being alone in her community. Sometimes her thoughts wandered to the child she had given up. She did not regret her decision. She did want she had to. But she did regret the loneliness she felt. She wanted a companion. Someone who could understand her.
The grief of losing the love of her community was almost overwhelming. As the years passed it had slowly made its way through her body. The grief gently made itself known. It welled up from deep within her stomach and climbed up her throat. It crept its cold hand into her chest and wrapped it around her heart. She wanted some respite. So, she once again returned to the woods that had saved her last time.
Victoria
Rapunzel was gone. Victoria had left to tend to the back of her garden for only a few minutes and when she had returned her green-eyed miracle was gone. She tore through her gardens, ripping out the vegetables by their roots. She flung the objects in her house around. She wept and cried. She screamed for Rapunzel to come back. She couldn’t bear the thought of being alone again.
Hours later Rapunzel reappeared to find her mother curled into a ball, weeping. She didn’t understand what was wrong. She had only left to follow the small bunny that had hopped through their garden.
Victoria yelled at Rapunzel then. She screamed herself hoarse. In the years that they had loved together, Victoria had not even once raised her voice. Rapunzel was scared.
“You can never do that again Rapunzel, do you hear me? You could have gotten hurt or killed. Our house is here to protect you. You can’t leave me again.” Rapunzel began to sob, her eyes wide with confusion and fear.
Victoria gathered her daughter in her arms and squeezed tight. In her mind, she began to formulate a plan to keep Rapunzel safe forever.
Imani
Imani needed to see the old woman. Her search had been going on for days when she heard it. The sounds of little feet running through the woods. Laughter like windchimes followed soon after. She must have been getting closer.
She crept around the trees, trying to follow the joyous sound. As she got closer the sound grew louder until she stumbled upon an open clearing. There a little girl with long hair was playing with a rabbit. A little girl with hair like her own.
She thought she might have felt different after seeing the child. She thought maybe a sense of recognition would flash through her body. She had expected a sort of longing to run through her hand. She simply felt intrigued. She did not know this little girl. There was no inherent possession. And still, she inched closer. She wanted to watch her just a little bit longer.
She didn’t expect the little girl to turn piercing green eyes onto her own brown ones.
Victoria
She knew she would build a tower the first time Rapunzel wandered off. She had to make sure her daughter was safe. So, she went to work. She coaxed the land into giving her lumber. She practiced with the plants for protective measures.
She told Rapunzel that this was a new game. A safe game. She just had to stay in the tower and chart the stars. Then she told Rapunzel she had to be in the tower to guide the oaks as they grew. Then she said she need to keep the clouds company. With each new game, the tower grew taller. With each new lie, Rapunzel grew more and more restless until one day she realized she couldn’t see the ground from the top of her room anymore.
Victoria watched from the ground as Rapunzel grew away from her, safe at last. She pretended she didn’t hear the wails of her green-eyed girl. She ignored the ache that begged her to bring the tower down. As long as Rapunzel was safe it was fine. She had been alone before; she could be alone again. As long as Rapunzel was safe.
Imani
She had spotted the tower as it grew. She ignored the way her friends warned her away from returning to the forest. After all, had they not shunned her when she truly needed them? She let their alarm fall to the wayside. She didn’t understand why they said she looked ‘haunted’ each time she returned from the forest. She didn’t even know why it was calling her name really. She just knew that when she was in the embrace of the trees, the loneliness that threatened to overtake her was lessened. She needed to find the green-eyed girl again. The one she couldn’t quite call her daughter. That felt too familiar yet also too discomforting. No, the girl was simply another human of the forest. Every day Imani abandoned her village to seek out the girl. She also wanted to find the old lady once more although she was more elusive. For months Imani spoke to the child. She told her stories of places she wanted to go. She told her about the people she wanted to see. The green-eyed child stared back at her, the desire for adventure ran across her face. A look that was so like Imani’s own. Imani stopped seeing that look when the tower had begun to rise.
Victoria
Rapunzel continued to grow. She would sometimes lean out the small window of the tower and yell at Victoria. She would tell her what she had imagined or had written down. Victoria locked every word behind her heart. Sometimes she thought the wind itself was delivering the messages from her daughter, a sign from the land that what she was doing was right.
Rapunzel’s hair got longer as the days passed. Her riotous curls had begun to hang out the window. They crawled down the sides of the tower like vines. It was like they were trying to escape.
Imani
Imani made her way to the tower. She trekked to the woods that even under her exploration she still did not know well. She allowed a blue mockingbird to guide her. Its cries sounded startlingly human in their song. She followed the bird for miles into the woods. Until she came to the base of a tower. She looked up but could not tell where the building ended. So, she turned to the bird and asked once again for its help.
“Send a message for me, please. Ask if that green-eyed child is here”
The mockingbird quickly flew away, making haste to the top of the tower. It returned just as quickly with a message of its own.
“Yes, I am here. Are you here to take me on an adventure?”
Imani nodded at the bird in affirmation. She doesn’t know what made her do it exactly. Maybe she wanted to know if the girl, with age, surely enacting its curse, felt any more familiar to her now. She yelled after the bird as it took flight with her message.
“Rapunzel, let down your hair!”
A tangled braid of coarse, dark hair made its way down the side of the tower. And from the top emerged a tall, dark skin young woman. She made her way down as quickly as possible, though she stumbled and struggled to maintain her balance. When she hit the ground, her eyes contacted Imani’s own. Imani stared into a face that was a copy of her own in everything but eyes. And she once again felt nothing for the girl. I’m fact she felt disgusted with herself. Why had she come here?
“Why did you come back?”
Victoria
That woman was never supposed to come back. They had a deal. Victoria was supposed to get to have a child and Imani was supposed to be free. She shouldn’t be here now. Looking at her baby. Taking Rapunzel away from her. She couldn’t let that happen. Rapunzel was safe here! In her tower. She had everything she needed to survive. She had her mother. And the woman who gave her up, who Victoria had once seen as her blessing, was now here to take her back. She stared at the interloper in front of her. She stared at her baby girl. Her hands shook as spoke.
“You were never supposed to come back here that was the deal.”
Victoria stalked closer to Rapunzel and Imani. Rapunzel’s eyes widened with a look that crushed something inside of Victoria. Her green eyes were filled with fear. All Victoria wanted to do was reach out and hold her, but when she lifted her hands, Rapunzel flinched backward.
Victoria turned towards Imani instead. Her words came out pleading and broken.
“You gave her to me. You can’t just take her back.”
The sky grew darker, it grew angrier. From behind them, Rapunzel spoke out.
“What do you mean to take me back?”
Rapunzel eyed Victoria first. The fear in her green eyes retreated, replaced now with something else. Something that resembled anger. She turned her eyes to Imani. Rapunzel repeated her question.
“What does she mean ‘take me back’?”
Victoria scrambled to answer first. She wouldn’t let this woman taint the mind of her child even more.
“Rapunzel, everything I’ve ever done has been for you. To keep you safe. To keep you with me”
She moved closer to the girl. Her hands longed to cradle her like she had when she was still a helpless baby. She got close enough to touch her shoulder when Rapunzel shook her off. Victoria recoiled in shock. She turned her hurt eyes on Imani, who had been staring at the two of them in silence.
The wind picked up. It whipped Rapunzel’s hair around her body like it was forming its own barrier of protection.
“To keep me safe from what? From knowing this woman. From finding out you aren’t my mother. You locked me in a tower for years. You said it was a game. You lied.”
With each word, Rapunzel’s anger grew. She yelled to be heard over the wind.
“And you gave me up. And still, you came back.”
This time her rage had turned to Imani. And Imani just shook her head, unable to speak. Unable to come up with any kind of defense that would pacify Rapunzel. Victoria tried to get close again. She tried to reach out and touch again. Before she could though Rapunzel’s anger deflated.
“I can’t be here anymore. I can’t go back to living in that tower. This isn’t a fun game anymore.”
Rapunzel turned on her heel and fled into the forest, leaving only silence in her wake.
Victoria stared after her. Then she started to shake. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to protect her. She wasn’t supposed to end up alone. Not again. She had no one. No mother, no father, no Rapunzel. Maybe this was her fate. Except it would not be one she didn’t share. With ice in her eyes, she looked again at Imani.
“You were to give me the child and then stay away. Now we both with have nothing.”
Victoria went back to her empty, cold house. It was familiar. She could only fall to her knees and wail.
Imani made her way back home to find her village emptied. There was no sign of life anywhere in her town. The music that had once played before was gone. The path to the forest had also closed behind her. She was truly alone now. The loneliness that she had been able to choke down before now came hurtling out of her mouth in one strangled scream.
The women’s twin cries of grief and anguish are still heard in the song of the mockingbirds.
Thank you for reading! Happy Mother’s Day to everyone out there and especially to those with complicated relationships or to those who don’t have mothers at all.